am i a grOWN(ED) WOMAN????

Soon I hope to get a tattoo and I’ve been thinking really hard about what to get. I never thought I would but I have. It’s not a sentimental thing, it’s more just like well if I’m gunna do it, I’m gunna do it right (always xo). So I think I’ve decided I’m going to get a lyric from Grown Woman under my boob. I think it’s a good choice and I think it’ll look cool. I thought immediately to get the words ‘GROWN WOMAN’ but then I thought, what happens if one day I’m not a grown woman and I look and think ‘shit, I’m well sad cos I used to be a grown woman and now I’m not’ so I started thinking what would make me not a grown woman. And the only thing I thought of was either a break up or marriage.

Now the break up is obvious why you’d feel unlike yourself but I just kept thinking for me personally marriage was more of a ‘shit I wouldn’t be a grown woman’. When I was in year 7ish I made a decision I wouldn’t get married. I’m not against it I just don’t think it’s right for me. But then I was like ‘oh yeah the person I love could wanna get married’ so I made a few conditions if i ever got married; have a mood ring instead of a classic engagement ring, not spending stupid money on it and I’m keeping my name or going double barrelled. I haven’t put A LOT of thought into it but just enough so I know when Harry styles comes n proposes I’ll know what to say so he knows I’m comfortable, thanks b xxx

but now I’m reading this book for English lit called ‘The God of Small Things’ by arundhati Roy and it’s really good and I recommend but I’m not a book recommender I’m an independence enthusiast. I read this bit (I’m gunna quote a book now so don’t hate me just know that I took the time to actually underline it so it’s obvs important and ignore that quoting books is pretentious) ‘she said that choosing between her husband’s name and her father’s name didn’t give a woman much of a choice’ now read that again and I hope you feel your life alter like mine did. when I first read that I got so angry at life like your name is just a symbol of the patriarchy, AHHHH!!!! ISNT THAT SO ANNOYING!!! So fucking shit. I’m not saying that the person you’ll/I marry is bad or that your/my father is bad, it’s just that you know even if you have a double barrelled name or keep your maiden name, it’s still got a past of male dominance. Sad times.

Even the term ‘maiden name’ makes you sound weak. When someone says like ‘oh you still have your maiden name?!’ Like why should you justify not changing your name. Like ‘maiden’ I’m not a fucking maiden I’m a grown woman. So I’ve just given you my whole train of thought. This is why I wanna get grown woman permanently on my body. Cos there is now no escaping the patriarchy for me without shoving it in everyone’s face that i’m a feminist. Not that i’ll be shoving my under boob in ppl’s faces just idk actually you’ll be more likely to see that part of me come autumn. AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Someone could read this and disagree so much, like you might not think a surname is patriarchal and that’s cool but personally for me the name ‘Harley’ is tainted but it’s annoying cos I love who I am and who I am is Molly HARLEY so I hope you do see the conflict I face for the rest of my life.

Saying that though, your name doesn’t actually define you (original) so I think we should acknowledge the oppression every single one of our names hold cos it’s important but we can all still be grown and independent and just walk around introducing ourselves like ‘hi I’m Molly…Ha lo is a great Beyoncé song don’t u think??’ But still idk I’m literally arguing with myself wth stop. Basically, angry but have to deal with it Also love who I am, Who I am carries patriarch Arguing with myself Angry Gunna get a tattoo I’m so sorry about this ending I just am the actual definition of question mark right now